For those who haven’t eaten enough of the good stuff over the Christmas holiday, here is a reminder of how real people start the day.
Bernhard Thuersam, Director Cape Fear Historical Institute www.cfhi.net
A Little Southern Breakfast:
“Let us not overlook the old-timey Southern breakfast. It is an institution – perhaps the best loved meal of the region – at any rate, for people who have gone to bed early and hungry, slept the sleep of the just and risen “early on a frosty morning.”
For this breakfast there are no fripperies and no preliminaries – no juice or melon or cereal. You plunge directly “in medias res” which being translated means old country ham, chicken, bacon and sausages, salt herring roes, rolls, toast, biscuits, waffles, coffee and – never to be forgotten – buckwheat cakes. These buckwheat cakes are not the “plate o’ w’eats” of the North shored up with puny sausage links. They are not the product of the ready-made “mix” which comes from a paste-board box with indecent haste and moves without meditation or art from carton to griddle.
This rare species requires long training – such as [our colored cook] Violet has had – with nothing to disturb the equanimity of the artist, and careful preparation then night before when the ingredients (“magruduses” to Violet), including ‘east cake, potato water, white flour and dark, water-ground buckwheat flour, are beaten up and left behind the stove in a gray earthen crock.
Next morning, milk, black molasses, baking powder, soda and a “fraction” of salt are added. Indeed all the “magruduses” are measured in “fraction.” Nobody knows what a “fraction” is. This art is not for the books.
But when the cakes come off the griddle they are too good to have their taste adulterated by any sort of syrup. Serve a stack topped by a stick of butter and accompanied by a few slices of strong, old country ham, or equally strong salt herring roe mashed up in butter, and you have a dish which will make lunch, or even dinner, a work of supererogation. There is something gargantuan about Southern cooking. Tom Wolfe got it right in Look Homeward, Angel when he wrote of his own family:
“They fed stupendously. Eugene began to observe the food and the seasons. In the autumn they barreled huge, frosty apples in the cellar. Gant bought whole hogs from the butcher, returning home early to salt them, wearing a long work-apron and rolling his sleeves half up his lean, hairy arms. Smoked bacons hung in the pantry, the great bins were full of flour, the dark recessed shelves groaned with preserved cherries, peaches, plums, quinces, apples, pears…
“In the morning they rose in a house pungent with breakfast cookery and they sat at a smoking table loaded with brains and eggs, ham, hot biscuits, fried apples seething in their gummed syrups, honey, golden butter, fried steaks, scalding coffee. Or there were stacked butter-cakes, rum-colored molasses, fragrant brown sausages, a bowl of wet cherries, plums, fat, juicy bacon, jam.
At the midday meal they ate heavily: a huge, hot roast of beef, fat, buttered lima beans, tender corn smoking on the cob, thick red slabs of sliced tomatoes, rough savory spinach, hot yellow corn bread, flaky biscuits, deep-dished peach and apple cobbler spiced with cinnamon, tender cabbage, deep glass dishes piled with preserved fruits – cherries, pears, peaches.
At night they might eat fried steak, hot squares of grits fried in egg and butter, pork chops, fish, young fried chicken.”
(A Little Breakfast, Southern Accent, From Uncle Remus to Oak Ridge, William T. Polk, William Morrow and Company, 1953, pp. 132-133)
Some folks believe grits are grown on bushes and are harvested by midgets by shaking the bushes after spreading sheets around them. Many people feel that grits are made from ground up bits of white corn. These are obviously lies spread by Communists and terrorists. Nothing as good as a Grits can be made from corn. The most recent research suggests that the mysterious Manna that God rained down upon the Israelites during their time in the Sinai Desert was most likely Grits.
Critics disagree, stating that there is no record of biscuits, butter, salt, and red eye gravy raining down from the sky, and that God would not punish his people by forcing them to eat Grits without these key ingredients. How Grits are Formed: (According to Southern Georgia)
Grits are formed deep underground under intense heat and pressure. It takes over 1000 years to form a single Grit. Most of the world's grit mines are in South Georgia, and are guarded day and night by armed guards and pit bull dogs. Harvesting the Grit is a dangerous occupation, and many Grit miners lose their lives each year so that Grits can continue to be served morning after morning for breakfast (not that having Grits for lunch and supper is out of the question).
Yankees have attempted to create a synthetic Grits. They call them Cream of Wheat. As far as we can tell the key ingredients of Cream of Wheat are Elmer's Glue and shredded Styrofoam. These synthetic grits have also been shown to cause nausea, and may leave you unable to have children. Historical Grits: (Remains only a rumor)
As we mentioned earlier, the first known mention of the Grits was by the Ancient Israelites in the Sinai Desert.
After that, the Grits was not heard from for another 1000 years. Experts feel that the Grits was used during this time only during secret religious ceremonies, and was kept from the public due to it's rarity.
The next mention of the Grits was found amidst the ruins of the ancient city of Pompeii in a woman's personal diary discovered in the seat of an old sedan. The woman's name was Herculaneum Jemimaneus
(Aunt Jemima to her friends.) The 10 Commandments of Grits: I Thou shalt not put syrup on thy Grits II. Thou shalt not eat thy Grits with a spoon or knife III. Thou shalt not eat Cream of Wheat and call it Grits, for this is blasphemy IV. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbors Grits V. Thou shalt use only Salt, Butter, and red eye gravy as toppings for thy Grits VI Thou shalt not eat Instant Grits VII. Thou shalt not put ketchup on thy Grits VIII. Thou shalt not put margarine on thy Grits. IX. Thou shalt not eat toast with thy Grits, only biscuits made from scratch . X. Thou shalt eat grits on the Sabbath for this is manna from heaven. How to Cook Grits: (If you can stand the heat)
For one serving of Grits: Boil 1.5 cups of water with salt and a little butter. Add 5 Tbsp of Grits. Reduce to a simmer and allow the Grits to soak up all the water. When a pencil stuck into the grits stands alone, it is done. That's all there is to cooking grits.
How to make red eye gravy: Fry salt cured country ham in cast-iron pan. Remove the ham when done and add coffee to the gravy and simmer for several minutes. Great on grits and biscuits. How to Eat Grits: (If you really care to)
Immediately after removing your grits from the stove top, add a generous portion of butter or red eye gravy. (WARNING: Do NOT use low-fat butter.) The butter should cause the Grits to turn a wondrous shade of yellow. (Hold a banana or a yellow rain slicker next to your Grits; if the colors match, you have the correct amount of butter.)
In lieu of butter, pour a generous helping of red eye gravy on your grits. Be sure to pour enough to have some left for sopping up with your biscuits. Never, ever substitute canned or store bought biscuits for the real thing because they can cause cancer, rotten teeth and impotence. Next, add salt.
(NOTICE: The correct ration of Grit to Salt is 10:1 Therefore for every 10 grits, you should have 1 grain of salt.)
Now begin eating your grits. Always use a fork, never a spoon, to eat Grits. Your grits should be thick enough so they do not run through the tines of the fork.
The correct beverage to serve with Grits is black coffee. (DO NOT use cream or, heaven forbid, Skim Milk.) Your grits should never be eaten in a bowl because Yankees will think it's Cream of Wheat. Ways to Eat Leftover Grits: (Leftover grits are extremely rare)
Spread them in the bottom of a casserole dish, Cover and place them in the refrigerator overnight. The Grits will congeal into a gelatinous mass. Next morning, slice the Grits into squares and fry them in 1/2' of cooking oil and butter until they turn a golden brown. Many people are tempted to pour syrup onto Grits served this way. This is, of course, totally unacceptable, but delicious!. REDNECK BLESSING BEFORE EATING GRITS
May the Lord bless these grits, May no Yankee ever get the recipe, May I eat grits every day while living, And may I die while eating grits. AMEN
